I KNOW YOU’RE HURTING:
There are many things I could say on this topic of singlehood. I could write pages of my feelings, thoughts, doubts and experiences but I’d rather make this as straight to the point as possible. Why? Because when you’ve been in a waiting period for longer than you desire, too much talk just becomes annoying.
So here’s my attempt to get straight to the point.
Waiting on God for a husband can be painful. Sometimes the desire can become all-consuming to the point where it’s hard to be truly happy without it being fulfilled. Have you ever wondered why that is? As in, why the desire to be married becomes so overwhelming? Or why is it that you see others perfectly happy and contented being single, but you can’t seem to go a day without thinking about being with someone? Why is it that this beautiful, God-given desire is causing you so much pain while being unfulfilled? If any of these questions resonate with you, please keep reading.
DESIRE VS DESPERATION: Firstly sis, your desire to be married is from God. Marriage is a holy and blessed institution and it’s ok for you to desire to love and be loved. One important thing to note though is that every God- given desire should be managed in God’s way, or in other words kept under control by God’s Word. This means that we shouldn’t go against God’s Word to fulfil a God-given desire. If God gives us a pure desire - of which marriage is an example - we should pray about it, prepare for it and allow Him to fulfil it in His way. By doing this, we can avoid the desperation which has often proved devastating for many.
An example of an uncontrolled desire which leads to desperation and devastating consequences can be seen in the story of Abraham and Sarah. Sarah desired to have a child and this desire was given to her by God however Sarah went about securing that desire in a way that did not have God’s approval. In other words, Sarah’s unmanaged or uncontrolled desire for a child, her inability to have faith and see it possible to be fulfilled by God, led to her desperation whereby she encouraged her husband Abraham to sleep with her handmaid to bring about a child, resulting in devasting effects (Genesis 16, 17 & 21). Another lesson we can learn from this is that with all God-given desires, God requires us to trust Him to fulfil those desires.
“Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart”. – (Psalm 37: 3-4)
In contrast to Sarah, we are given the story of Hannah as an example of a woman with a God-given desire who allowed God to fulfil it in His way. Hannah (Samuel’s mother) had a strong desire to have a child and we find her weeping and pleading for God to grant her this request (1 Samuel 1). Note that she doesn’t try to fulfil her God-given desire in a way that would go against God’s word but instead she pleads with God, who gave her the desire in the first place, to fulfil it. The contrast between Hannah and Sarah is that Sarah became desperate, moved by despair or utter loss of hope, whereas Hannah maintained a holy desire which led her right to the place where God wanted her to be – total dependency on Him to fulfil her need.
So where do you fall in this? Has your desire turned into desperation? If yes, then work on building trust in God again because He is more than able to provide for you.
“Now unto him (God) that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think....” – (Ephesians 3:20)
TEMPERATE THOUGHTS: “And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible”. – (1 Corinthians 9:25)
The definition of temperate: keeping or held within limits, not extreme or excessive.
To be temperate in all things includes being temperate in the contemplation or thought of marriage. This means that while desiring marriage, we should not allow our minds to dwell excessively upon this subject. Excessive thoughts on marriage may be encouraged by watching TV shows about marriage and binge-watching Instagram/Youtube couples. It is wise to be temperate or have limits to your exposure in this regard. If you have a desire to be married and you are pained not to be, slow your roll on watching/listening to such things as you may only end up feeling worse and that can lead to poor decision-making and the desperation spoken of above. Remember that in the real world, outside of “social” media, such intense exposure of seeing many people getting married within a day doesn’t happen. However, with the click of a button, you could view 100’s of relationships/marriages within an hour - which is quite an unnatural exposure that can impact your mental wellbeing, especially if you are already struggling with the pain of not being married. I believe God’s advice here is to guard our heart/mind and not allow it to excessively dwell on these subjects. This will help us to have a more manageable desire when it comes to marriage.
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life”. – (Proverbs 4:23)
WHILE YOU WAIT: If you’ve ever discussed this business of finding a life partner, you probably would have had someone tell you to “Wait on the Lord”. In other words, be patient, trust God and in His time, He will do it. Now this is absolutely true but what God requires is an active waiting.
Psalm 37:34 – "Wait on the Lord, and keep his way, and he shall exalt thee to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see it."
While we wait, the above verse says to “keep His way”. Therefore, while we wait on the Lord, we ought to be keeping his way or in other words, living a life that pleases God (this is the active part of waiting). This is really where all our energy should be focussed upon during singlehood, as this is what we have control over – our relationship with God. So while you wait, work on yourself and seek to develop in every area of your life. You’ll realise so much joy in doing this - I can testify!
Let’s take the woman described in Proverbs 31 as an example of this point. To attempt to summarise her virtue, she is pure in thought and act, trustworthy, full of goodness, knows how to work with her hands, skilful, good at business, efficient, caring, knows how to keep a home, hardworking, has good financial education, merciful, strong, wise, kind, God-fearing - and the list goes on. I think it’s safe to say that she didn’t develop these characteristics overnight and that they all take time to develop. Therefore, for us as women who desire to be married, these are the characteristics that we should seek to attain while we wait and this will help us to adopt an active waiting approach towards marriage. Our focus should be to develop a character that God approves, and we should let this consume our whole attention and keep us occupied.
Another thing I want you to remember are the promises that God has made to the faithful husband that you desire. He has promised your husband (and you) that "no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11) and that, "Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing".
Now let’s tie the two verses together. God will not withhold a wife (good thing), from a man who walks uprightly or is righteous. Hello somebody! But the flip side for us women is that if we want a righteous man, then we must be a good thing. So simply put, our part as women while we wait is to develop in goodness – not just for the purpose of being joined to a righteous husband but most importantly to enter the kingdom of heaven.
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” - (Matthew 6:33).
If we put all our energy/focus into seeking the kingdom of God first, then God himself will fulfil our needs and satisfy our desires. Use your whole heart to seek after him (Psalm 119:10) - make this an all-consuming priority and you’ll find that the wait, although challenging at times, will not cause you to despair.
“The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfies the desire of every living thing” – (Psalm 145:15-16)
“There failed not ought of any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass” - (Joshua 21:45)
So in summary, let your desire for marriage be subject to God’s word, be controlled (temperate) in your thoughts concerning marriage, be active while you wait and most importantly believe the Lord and place all your trust in Him. I pray you are comforted.
With love,
About the Author
Hey there! I'm Sarah. A pilgrim sharing her Christian journey with the theme of Isaiah 49:15-16. It's my desire to help you experience the fullness of joy that God has for you and to remind you that YOU are *Graven On His Palms*… and so whatever concerns YOU, concerns the Lord. As always, be encouraged! ❤
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